When love exists

Her: "... That should be vicious"

Him:"You have an extremely cute smile. I don't think I'll ever forget that in my lifetime. When you're lying right next to me with you're hair falling on my face and then you just smile. It's not vicious... It's the most beautiful, sexiest thing in the world. No I will never forget the sheer joy I feel when I look at your smiling face."

She sits in her room one year later and thinks to herself Why is it that we feel deprived when love exists?

Notion of You

I have you.
Well, I'd like to think
that I have you.
But that taste of notalgia
still remains on the tip of my tongue.
Am I fool to pretend
that I am walking with you?
No, I'd like to think that you're here.
You see, I am struggling
to be what you want me to be.
I am struggling
to be what they want me to be.
Their voices are loud
in my head.
They scream of infidelities
and they scream of righteousness
while my dreams are caught in the middle
of it all.
I know that I cannot fathom your wrath,
nor can I accept the idea of
following the path they've taken.
It is for this I must march on.
If I am a soldier then I feel blessed
and if I am a sinner then I feel condemned
because their screams won't let
me be.
Their notion of you
is polluted with hyprocrisy
and they disguise their faces
with the writings of your holiness.
But what about the people I know of?
What about their beliefs
and their humble prayers?
In my sleeplessness I beg for their welfare
and in my sleeplessness I reject them.
So tell me, what bad is in the good I feel?
And would I ever sleep?
Yes, I do think of you
and when I I think of you
I forget all else.

23rd October 2010

Untitled

Thoughts;
and to feel what cannot find words.
Feelings;
with no sense of expression,
not even a whisper.
How shall I narrate you my love
when I cannot even impart knowledge
of your existence?
Their timeless notions of life
and everything that cannot be undone.
Their simple days
and everything in between
that I loathed much so
that I’ve become them.
Sailing in vacuum of space
and watching rainbow colours of
what I am in this very moment.
No, I cannot fathom your resentment.
All I have is my fear
whose hand I am yet to grab again
as I have fallen.
And I am waiting to be undone.


17th October 2010

Words

Words;
Learnt and forgotten.
Mono-syllabic gestures
of now and what I am.
The Conundrum of knowing
too little or too much.
Wearing black
and pretending to be light.
Standing in shades
of their idiosyncrasies
and wanting to become them.
Traveling back from being
in a dream
and realizing nothing is worth your while.
Sitting next to your mother
while you love her and hate her at the same time.
Could it be? Tell me, could it be?
Words;
That were never yours,
that were never mine.
Misconceptions of being alive
and the feeling of hating your life
all at the same time.
And every once in a while lifting your head up
to the skies and questioning
'What now? Why this?'

24th September 2010

Untitled

In my train of thoughts
I cannot breathe
so I sit next to you
while all the lovers clap their hands,
shake their heads,
dance sporadically,
laugh uncontrollably,
and watch me with despair
shackled in fragments of my past.
Don't let them engulf me
in a hope to be young again.
Don't let my sleepless nights take over me.
Let's just not travel too fast,
too far away from our homes.
Let's just sit here for a while
until I have relinquished all my thoughts
so I don't weave dreams with my open eyes.
So all my fears are dispelled.
Let me just keep myself where I am right now
And I think... I believe I will be okay.

22nd September 2010

Letting go

I had been thinking your thoughts
and praying your prayers
only to come to a stand still.
Did you not look at our diminished memories
and point out the layers of our differences?
Or was it too painful for you my love?
You used to dwell among the curtains of my hope
and I used to carry ashes of our unreciprocated love
with no thoughts and no prayers of my own to accompany me.
Now it's only the music of recent shameful deeds
and I cannot seem to let go off the mediocracy of it all.
No, I am not dewelling and no I am not drowning
waiting to be punished
because I cannot think of you anymore
and because I am washing my hands with other toughtless acts.
Yes I must go through the storm first to see the clear skies
and let go off what you could not.

23rd August - 19th September 2010

You have her heart and you have mine

You have her heart and you have mine.
I think I disputed you carrying too many hearts
so I packed up my suitcase
and took a big leap but only for a few moments
because I had nothing to make me last much longer.
Now I'm walking in your cemeteries singing my broken songs
while your cities light up with my despair and my prayers
shouting in the head of your wife
"What goes around comes around!"
with no offspring to bear, she holds onto you;
with no offspring to bear I hold onto your memories.
I have only a defeated soul with no heart.
But I do have a bit of bitter sarcasm to spare
still left in me.
That's why I am dreaming of hope; hope to be free.
"We have each other...", They say
"...and not a fucking worry in the world"
And I ask "Where is the freedom in that?"
No, it's only fit for the bastards who cheat on their wives
but you my love, you're just an innocent soul
caught amidst grand plans of your mind
and me, I was only a small fraction of its games.
The ending couldn't have been more perfect.
It's a pity that it's still ending
and yes I hope to be free soon.
I hope.

12th - 16th August 2010